Apparently I am still sick.
I have lived in denial for years; after painfully watching my mum and sister suffer from debilitating CFS/ME for years I was determined to make the most of my good health. I mean comparatively, I could do so much more than them, even if I wasn’t as energetic as my friends.
But after a longer-than-normal recovery time following surgery when I was 17, I too was diagnosed with ‘aspects’ of chronic fatigue syndrome. I have since lived mostly in denial, so determined in fact to live a full life that I have pushed myself several times to a physically dangerous place, firstly by committing to an incredibly physically demanding internship when I was 18 and then last year working 70 hour weeks in Guatemala. For some reason in my need to ‘prove’ to myself what I can do I seem to push more than any sensible person ever would. Even when I feel like collapsing, for some reason I can just keep going…until I do collapse.
And then I collapse for awhile, rest up, and slowly build back to a reasonable level of health.
So when I had to return from Guatemala last September because of recurring symptoms and a digestive system that wouldn’t heal following several parasitic infections, I was sure that a few months of rest and eating well would fix me up again.
But this time it hasn’t.
I feel like I have the flu all the time, pain and headaches and incredible fatigue and disturbed sleep; I can hardly eat and feel sick every time I do. I find it hard to concentrate and feel completely emotionally spent.
And yet I find myself once again overcommitted: studying full time (for the first time in 5 years…little overwhelming!) AND working 2.5 days a week AND volunteering for an aid and development organisation.
How do I get myself into these messes?? Why do I find it so impossible to cut back and accept my limitations? And how do I deal with the frustration of being so sick when I am so full of ambitions and dreams?
I am so grateful for all the amazing blessings I do have.
But right now, dealing with this illness is so very overwhelming.