You want to know how I feel? I feel like I have hit a wall. Not just hit a wall, but like I have run SMACK INTO a brick wall at FULL SPEED and like I am now lying collapsed in front of it.
I get so frustrated because part of me still tends to think that my sickness (ME/CFS) is somewhat mind/over/matter…and as long as I am taking my supplements, eating right, staying positive, and not doing too much then I will be ok.
But apparently this stupid illness doesn’t really care how well you look after yourself and can smack you over the head anytime it feels like it.
But I have issues with this, because I like to be in control…I like to plan my study time, when I will go out, my career, my volunteer work, my travel plans.
But when you have a serious chronic illness it sometimes takes the plans out of your hands.
Like now, when I had a week of planned study and socialising but instead spent most of it in bed trying not to throw up.
Like this summer, when I thought of travelling back to Latin America to source handicrafts for my not-for-profit idea but instead have been told my immune system won’t be up to travelling for months yet.
Or like having to turn down the perfect volunteer/job opportunity that is exactly what you want to end up doing because you simply…can’t…do…it.
It is very easy to feel robbed and to fall into a self-pity funk.
But I am determined not to. This has come as a challenge to my faith.
Do I actually believe that He will cause all things to work together for good? Do I actually believe that my value doesn’t come from what I do/achieve? Do I believe that I have these dreams and passions about assisting street children in Latin America for a reason, and do I have the faith to believe that it will come clear when it’s the right time?
My mum keeps reminding me of the quote…“life is just one crises after another…”…so get used to it!
My head hurts (a lot). My legs hurt. I feel so so tired. I feel emotionally spent. I wish I was anywhere but in bed. I wish I was better prepared for all my exams this week. I wish I was in Guatemala looking after a bunch of children who need it.
But I’m not. And you know, if people in Haiti can find the strength to deal with the devastation of an earthquake and the people of Pakistan can deal with the horrendous destruction of those floods in the midst of intense poverty, then surely I can deal with an illness in a comfortable bed where I don’t have to worry about food or safety.
”Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything.” -[mother.teresa]
I choose faith.