Walls

You want to know how I feel? I feel like I have hit a wall. Not just hit a wall, but like I have run SMACK INTO a brick wall at FULL SPEED and like I am now lying collapsed in front of it.

NOT COOL.

I get so frustrated because part of me still tends to think that my sickness (ME/CFS) is somewhat mind/over/matter…and as long as I am taking my supplements, eating right, staying positive, and not doing too much then I will be ok.

But apparently this stupid illness doesn’t really care how well you look after yourself and can smack you over the head anytime it feels like it.

But I have issues with this, because I like to be in control…I like to plan my study time, when I will go out, my career, my volunteer work, my travel plans.

But when you have a serious chronic illness it sometimes takes the plans out of your hands.

Like now, when I had a week of planned study and socialising but instead spent most of it in bed trying not to throw up.

Like this summer, when I thought of travelling back to Latin America to source handicrafts for my not-for-profit idea but instead have been told my immune system won’t be up to travelling for months yet.

Or like having to turn down the perfect volunteer/job opportunity that is exactly what you want to end up doing because you simply…can’t…do…it.

It is very easy to feel robbed and to fall into a self-pity funk.

But I am determined not to. This has come as a challenge to my faith.

Do I actually believe that He will cause all things to work together for good? Do I actually believe that my value doesn’t come from what I do/achieve? Do I believe that I have these dreams and passions about assisting street children in Latin America for a reason, and do I have the faith to believe that it will come clear when it’s the right time?

My mum keeps reminding me of the quote…“life is just one crises after another…”…so get used to it!

My head hurts (a lot). My legs hurt. I feel so so tired. I feel emotionally spent. I wish I was anywhere but in bed. I wish I was better prepared for all my exams this week. I wish I was in Guatemala looking after a bunch of children who need it.

But I’m not. And you know, if people in Haiti can find the strength to deal with the devastation of an earthquake and the people of Pakistan can deal with the horrendous destruction of those floods in the midst of intense poverty, then surely I can deal with an illness in a comfortable bed where I don’t have to worry about food or safety.

‎”Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything.” -[mother.teresa]

I choose faith.

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5 responses to “Walls

  1. I sure know what you mean. i’ved had this for fifteen years. This does not seem to be me at all. How can you get sick and not get better? I lived in total denia for at least the first ten years. I spent close to one hundred thousand dollars on anti virals and hyberic chambers to mention a couple. This just isn’t me. Well, I guess it’s a different me. You must learn to be completely forgiving, compassionate and loving to yourself. You must be in a new circle of life learning about things that were never on your list but needed to be. Perserverance, patience, and all the courses you never thought you’d signed up for.

    Now I think ony two things are worth the effort, one a strict diet of perfect blood sugar levels ( see Richard K. Bernsteins “The Diabetes Solution” and brain work ( see a research hospital that practices neurofeedback) and anything that builds muscle mass….oh that’s a third. And pool excercising helps with the pain.

    I wish you well.

  2. Oh, I see so much of myself in your post!
    But I also see how insightful you are – and therein will lie your greatest tool.
    “”Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything.” -[mother.teresa]

    I choose faith.”

    Yes and yes and yes. If not for “I choose faith” I could not have weathered the storms let alone know I will weather whatever comes. You will too.

    Peace.

  3. Pingback: BAM! and splat. | life without icecream

  4. Hi,
    I’m enjoying reading your blog. I see your passion in wanting to help others who are less fortunate in the world and I think it’s very unfair that someone with your drive to make a difference in this world would get ME. I’m a fellow sufferer as well and I know how difficult it is to deal with. I hope you get to realize your dreams. Hang in there and thanks for your wonderful blog.

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